I DON’T KNOW

October 29, 2017

This week has been such a challenge, well actually the last few weeks. Bruce’s passing pierced my heart in a way I cannot even begin to explain. I am so grateful he is no longer suffering, but there are not words to explain the ways he touched my heart. He was one of the first of Zoe’s family that I met and we bonded immediately at Rose’s funeral. Funny, it was he and Joanie who welcomed me into the family from day one. Never a question or a comment. Bruce began calling me cousin Sharon from day one. My heart is filled with memories we created together. From the time he let me hold and comfort him at Rose’s funeral to the day he wept from his heart at a plate of Lemon Drop cookies. I am so grateful that I had the opportunity to know this groovy kind of guy. Nobody can say it like he can. Maybe that is why I love Maryanna so much, she always says she is a groovy kind of gal. Too bad they never met.

I think about all the people have made transition this week. Bruce, Michael who came to live with you again at the young age of 17, and Jerry who like Bruce fought a long battle with cancer. I don’t understand this disease. I don’t understand why people die when they do. I don’t understand why there are some deaths which sadden me and others that leave a whole in my heart that I just cannot explain. I just don’t understand and I am not sure I ever will, other than to know that there work here on earth was done.

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WHY?

October 6, 2017

Dear God,

There are so many things in my life I cannot explain. Some of them are little things such as, where have all the missing socks gone and where is Zoe’s good pair of jeans hiding? Then there is the bigger question like why am I still alive.

Honestly, I have no idea. I have been through so many situations in my life where I could have died and all I know is that I did not. I have no idea why, it just is. I could try to explain that the doctors saved me, but there are others who have been through what I went through and did not survive.

I could have died when I was born, as could my birth mother, but neither of us died, well I know for sure I did not. There were complications, which my foster parents, made sure were addressed, but I did not die.

When I was in an accident in my early 20’s and thrown from the car, I could have died, but I somehow landed relatively unscathed as I flew out of my car and landed in the back of a parked truck. My car was totaled, but other than a few bruises and lots of soreness I was unharmed and I do not know why.

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IN TUNE

August 27, 2017

I am always amazed at how you give me clarity of vision. There are days that I can see the pieces, but not the whole picture and then you led me to a story about putting things together again by Suzy Holbeche

“I am reminded of the story of the teacher who tears to shreds a map of the world and, thinking it an impossible task, gives it to a recalcitrant student to put together. Within ten minutes the boy is back, the task completed. Astonished, the teacher asks him how he did it. The boy replies: When I turned the pieces over, I found a torn-up man. I put him together, and when I looked at the other side the world was whole again.”

This wonderful story reminds me that the answer to the world’s problems is people like me. Once I make myself whole, my world falls into place as it should be. When I fall apart, my world falls apart. When I am in tune with you then I am also in tune with myself. This story inspired me to write a poem about my relationship with you

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RUGELACH

August 11, 2017

As I have been thinking about the visions in my life, I began to think about one evening when we had a local author, Mary Grace, here to talk about her book Communion of Saints: Talking with God and Grandma. One of the things she talked about was asking for a sign from those who have transcended. I remember asking for a sign of my mother’s presence as she is one of the people I miss most in my life.

What happened the next 24 hours was nothing short of the presence of the Divine. I was looking at the front cover of the book and all I could see were my mother’s rugelach where the candles were. That night I woke up several times during the night smelling cinnamon coming out of the oven. I would wake up and walk down the hallway thinking I had left the oven on, but it was off.  I checked all my candle warmers thinking I had put cinnamon melts in my warmers, but I had not. So I came to the realization it was you sending something I would recognize as my mom letting me know she was with me. So thank you.

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1-5-10

August 4, 2017

Thank you for always reminding me that I am the author of my story. I can edit and revise it anytime I wish to. I remember watching a video with Kyle Cease where he had these people have a conversation with him a year from now after having made the decision to follow their dreams, so I was thinking, what if I wrote you notes as if it were a year from now, five years from now, and maybe 10 years from now telling you how amazing my life is. So today I am going to begin the journey by telling you what my vision for the next 10 years looks like. If this is indeed where you are guiding me, I know we will be there.

 

August 4, 2018

Dear God,

Life is so good. I am taking a break from all the sessions and activities at my first Pampered Chef conference. It has been amazing to have met so many people and to have been able to cross stage as an Advanced Director with so many of my team members in the audience. It is awesome that this summer, for the first time in decades I am not worrying about how I am going to make it through the summer financially. I am finally done writing my book and have it all ready to go to the publisher. So, thank you for an awesome year.  It was not always easy, but I know that everyone joined in their own time and you put everything in place where it was supposed to be. I am grateful for reminding me to claim pre-designated writing times and so going in the other room really helped me. It also helped to start a spiritual writing group that met here monthly to talk about tour progress.

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THE WELCOME TABLE

July 29, 2017

I have been spending so much time thinking through my feelings about community. I know I like the idea of being part of a community, however, I grapple with the challenges of being a part of one. On the one hand, I appreciate the feeling of belong and being a part of something bigger then myself. On the other hand, I hate the feeling of never quite fitting in or living up to the communal expectations. It is feeling like you fit in when so often you feel like a round peg trying to fit into a square hole or vice versa.

I have spent most of my life feeling like I never quite fit in. The one place I feel as if I fit is in my relationship with you. It is in my relationship with you that I experience that unconditional love and acceptance. Perhaps that is because you never ask me to leave a part of me at the door. I have always known that you love for me is unconditional.

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UNTIEING THE KNOT

July 22, 2017

So, this month has certainly been filled with adventure and challenges. I have come to remember that achieving unity with someone is not always easy. Sometimes our ways of working towards the common goal are so different. This week a collaborator asked me to prayerfully make a commitment to do something. Reading the request left me with mixed feelings. On the one hand, I wanted to be able to say that what they wanted me to commit to would happen. At the same time, I realized that what they wanted me to commit to involved so many more people and situations then I had control over. I also realized I was feeling this pressure to do something from someone who had always said they would never pressure me to do that. As I repeatedly read the request, I realized the pivotal word in the request was prayerfully.

Prayerfully. That was what reminded me that you had the answer to all that I needed to be in unity with this person. So, thank you for allowing me to speak my truth in love. I know that in your time I will achieve the goal that we would both like to see me achieve, which is also a part of her goal. However, I also know that this is about you and your timing. So, I will continue to commit to being the best me I can be each day and know that you will continue to open doors and remove obstacles and create ways out of no way.

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BOOK OF LAW

July 14, 2017

I have been thinking a lot about unity this week and when I feel in sync with myself and others and when I do not. What I have come to realize is that I do not feel in sync with myself when I am doing something that goes against my internal Book of Law. I have come to realize that sometimes it is because I am doing something that I know is not the right thing for me. I am doing something because I feel pressured to do so. For example, recently a client asked me to do something which went against my Book of Law. As much as I always like to support my clients, this request made me feel very uncomfortable and I realized in this situation there could be no unity. I came to the realization that being in unity with you is more important to me than being in unity with another human being, especially when it feels like they are not coming from a space of love.

As much as I would love to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony, as the old Coca Cola song said, I have come to realize that I can only sing in perfect harmony with those who also want to raise the vibrational frequency in this world. If they are not seeking to do so, then I have to rethink our relationship and find a different way of standing in unity with them. That unity might be in agreeing we are not working towards the same goal.

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A DIFFERENT UNITY

July 7, 2017

Dear God,

I have been thinking about how sometimes working in unity with someone is so easy. At the same time, working with someone can also be difficult. There are times in my when I have wanted to work in unity with someone and they have been open and willing to work with me in return. We have had a common goal and worked together, sharing our gifts and insights with each other. The experience has been amazing. It reminded me of that feeling of being on a see saw with a friend who would make sure we both went up and down and nobody left the other stuck up in the air. There was a feeling of peace and synchronicity in the process.

However, recently, I was reminded it takes two to work in unity. Both parties must want to work towards a common goal. If one party cuts themselves off then it creates a challenge to work as one body. What I have come to realize is that I may not be able to create a bond of unity with everyone or that it might take time for me to help someone wash away years of loneliness and isolation before they are willing to work with me in unity.

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AFFIRMATION TIME

June 30, 2017

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I have now spent a month reading and thinking about transformation and it seems like there are a few areas I need to continue to work on transforming in my own heart and brain. One is how I define success. There are days that I know I am successful because I am clear I am doing what I am supposed to be doing in and with my life. Then there are those moments when Zoe has to pull my head out of my ass because I feel like a failure.

Those moments seem to come when I start to evaluate my life based on the ideals of others and when I have not been giving myself my daily affirmations. I have to be intentional everyday about affirming myself. I cannot depend on anyone else to give me those affirmations. Being self-affirming has to be intentional and some days I fall back in those old habits of beating myself up instead of building myself up. Sometimes I fall, but then I get back up again and affirm myself for being able to do so.

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